So glad we cleared that up
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cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
me and the Superbowl rn
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
i prefer mine room temperature.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?