Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
it’s the silliest best thing
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.