Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Running from your problems is cardio .
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.