Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
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Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
🙂🐾
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
This bar smells like my childhood.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*