stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this