When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
IT’S-A ME,
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Something Saturday.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint