Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
What number SPF blocks people?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me