@woodmuffin: Why don't they have a WHITE history month?? Why don't they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why's there no cemetery for ALIVE people??
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@briangaar: Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of ... oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.
@Sickayduh: I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair
@Tmoney68: [Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985] Jesus: Let's do unlimited breadsticks. CEO: How can we supply that many? Jesus: *winks at camera*
@abhorrent_wife: I don't always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.