Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
You Might Also Like
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.