Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Happy birthday to all the women
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.