Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
12653.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
TODAY
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I have so many questions.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee