Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.