“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]