Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Weirdly Wednesday.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod