“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK