i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
You Might Also Like
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth