Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
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*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.