@Contwixt: Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
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@thepunningman: [superhero meeting] "What's your enemy called?" "Dr Doom. Yours?" "Joker" [stifles laughter] "I HAVE OTHERS" "Ye-" "Penguin" [just loses it]
@KeetPotato: guy at seaworld: "it's a cross between an eel and a shark, we're asking everyone to pick a name for him" wife: "steve" me: "sharkeel o'neal"
@bobvulfov: [speed dating] DATE: ding ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth DATE: no ME: we have 4 minutes left DATE: *louder this time* ding