@ninatreemonkey: Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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@Pro_Jones_: (Art Museum) Me:*sees nature painting* *pulls out sharpie* *draws sun in the top left corner* My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
@jessokfine: How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
@LADaddy: I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out. At least it tasted like a taco salad.
@hippieswordfish: ME: how do u get girls SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know...organ [later at the bar] ME: hey baby i got a real big colon