Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My work here is done
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor鈥檚 yard like a normal person?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don鈥檛 have to work and pay taxes.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
馃檮
Me: I鈥檓 so happy that gyms have reopened. I鈥檒l do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That鈥檚 great! Let鈥檚 start with…
Me: Snacks?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
same vibe as tangled headphones
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
In relationships, it鈥檚 important to pay attention to the person鈥檚 likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you鈥檙e almost there