@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out

@gojarbe: [on a date] me: what's your favorite book series about a big red dog? her: uhh Clifford, i guess me: wow we have a lot in common

@jjhartinger: I'm currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

@UncleDuke1969: "You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her." "We're still married, Grandma." "She's such a lovely girl."

@CulturedRuffian: I scream, You scream, We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.