Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

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@Donna_McCoy: Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

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@TheDairylandDon: The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

@noxxhell: If you cut off my head I'll continue eating for two more days.

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@dafloydsta: [at the gym] ME: Hey, can you spot me? GUY: Sure, which machine? ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

@joshbupkes: when you're a kid you're like "how do actors cry so easily?" and when you grow up you're like "how is anyone ever not crying?"

@trutherbot:

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