@mortimermaiden: Me: Wanna take this upstairs? Her: Mhm, but you should know it's my first time Me: Don't worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

@Lovestained555: Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

@gabeserra: Power's been out for 40 minutes and the kids are asking why I haven't put new batteries in the house yet...

@Firawesome: If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

@JasonLastname: [Batman's parents return after 40 years] Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?