If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
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Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
definitely did not do anything wrong
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
reviewed some movies recently
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.