In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Canadian owl: Eh?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
*eats only grass-fed donuts
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying