@topaz_kell: Why is an angry drunk not called mean-spirited?
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@OhighIsis: Mom called to ask if I'd take her shopping. Me: What time? Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
@Vodkantots: As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I've seen other people come out.
@TheBoydP: The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
@daemonic3: [math class] How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don't have feet? "By crawling to the counter?" GET OUT