@topaz_kell: Why is an angry drunk not called mean-spirited?
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@Parentpains: According to the police report, waking up in your lover's arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
@CrazyExhaustion: 5yo: What's a cannibal? Me: A person that eats another person. 5yo's eyes widen in horror. Me: You said cannonball, didn't ya?
@tastefactory: I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I'm ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
@Lisa_Laughs_: I'm going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!