Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Tastes like chicken.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her