[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
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[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.