To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.