Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out