Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?