Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
These aren’t even hard anymore.