Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.