@AmishPornStar1: Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
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@AndyAsAdjective: *walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today* Back again? Forget something? -Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
@KalvinMacleod: GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye GUY 2: I just ate a bird GUY IN BACK: I can't hear u TOGETHER: there must be a better way NARRATOR: windshields
@bighandsmassuer: As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself God these don't fit me very well
@LoriLuvsShoes: How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend