Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.