Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.