Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
BETRAYAL
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.