this is funnier than any friends episode
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat