I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
You Might Also Like
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm