Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
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Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I’m not stressed
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.