I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
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The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
no such thing as a dumb question
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die