Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
He just like my cat fr
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Brands during Pride
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.