Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I ate everything, including the H.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Finally, a door that understands me
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.