Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
You Might Also Like
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.