@desi_princess: Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?
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@caroline_umc: Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
@XplodingUnicorn: [end of a job interview] Interviewer: Any questions? Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it? Him: Me: Him: Which half?
@SamuelHLowe: - Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning. - When we first met? - No, before that.
@dshack8: Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.