If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
They also CAN sing✌️
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes