Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
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“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference