[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
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A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
every college guy’s fridge
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school