Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.