It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.