WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
just gave your address to some spiders
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.