@MrSpoonicorn: why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
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@TitansHomer: I'm the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I'm ok, I'm ok"
@BCMontgo: What's the issue officer? Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over? I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
@janinebrito: *me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones* “This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu- *Linkedin comes crashing through the wall* “DEBRA WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOU TO HER PROFESSIONAL NETWORK!”
@TheToddWilliams: [Japan] HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste? *distant Godzilla noises*