why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
You Might Also Like
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?