Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.