WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
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Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up