Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
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Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic