Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
You Might Also Like
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary